I Feel So Alone

I want someone to ask me why I'm hurting.


I'm sure that's a normal, everyday human thing. Who doesn't want help when they're upset? It's normal. People reach out to others for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a hand to hold onto, etc.


So why the HELL can't I?


I feel like I'm a sorry excuse for a being when I'm hurting like this. I feel sick thinking that something as useless as I am exists and would even consider someone listening to me when I need them to. I become enraged at myself, and it makes it all the worse, because then my head and emotions become even more jumbled. Even typing this is making me hate myself for feeling like I need to speak out. I'm posting this in the hopes that NOBODY sees it. 


I'm hurting. I feel so alone. I can't reach out to my friends. Despite being told over and over that it's okay, I just haven't learned how. I haven't learned how to push past this giant mental block. This mental block says "You're such a pain in the ass. You're wasting their time. Look at how happy they are. Do you really want to bring them down? Look how upset THEY are. THEY need someone to listen to them more than they need to be listening to YOU. Look, they have work. They have school. They have lives. They are busy. Do you really want to make their lives more difficult?" I don't know if anyone understands that. I don't know if other people hear that too. I don't understand where it's coming from. I believe my friends. I trust my friends. I know they would do what they could to help me, just as I'd do for them.


But I feel like if I bring it up, it's like they almost HAVE to do something. They HAVE to listen. I don't want anyone to feel like they HAVE to listen to me. 


Some would suggest keeping a journal to vent to. It doesn't help me; because who reads it? Me. Nobody else. Nobody hears my anguish and nobody could realize I'm upset. I sound contradictory. Yes, I want someone to ask. No, I don't want them to know. Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. I understand that it drives people bonkers when I act so confusing.


All I'm sure of is that I need an ear and a shoulder. I'm not even sure of what's wrong. That is the worst part of all. I don't even know why I'm hurting so much.