Four Horsemen

There are four people who I talk to every night. They know who they are. I doubt they read this blog, but in case they do, this post is for you. 


I woke up today feeling alright. But as the morning progressed, I was beginning to feel sadder and sadder. I didn't know why. I started talking to a friend and I only felt worse. I hit a block and couldn't say anything. I sat and listened to him (not to say it wasn't worth listening to; he's got things of his own going on, and why turn down the opportunity to let someone get their thoughts out?). I couldn't ask him to reciprocate. Because it doesn't matter that he's my friend, I feel like he doesn't even care. In fact, I'm pretty sure he doesn't. (But that doesn't matter anyway; why should he?) 


So I grew more and more troubled, more angry at myself, more saddened and upset. And then I got an image in my mind.


I saw myself sitting in my shower, the water spraying down, and a knife in my hand. I saw blood on the knife, and it was my own.


For those of you who don't know, I went into the hospital in April because I tried to kill myself. For a month prior, I was cutting myself. I didn't know about the Butterfly Project until I had my first relapse that June. For those of you who don't know what it is, I've posted it below. 

The Butterfly Project:
The Rules are:
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand. 
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you've killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.
7. Even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help.

I've had a few relapses. I hadn't thought to draw a butterfly. I didn't think I had a name to write in it. Today I remembered four people who I could name it after. Instead of drawing four butterflies, I wrote their initials in one of the four sections. 

I did not draw this butterfly. I just added the initials.

N.G.


K.C.


E.A.


S.K.






I'm sure they don't read this, but it still is a thanks to them. I won't hurt myself today. Not today. Because of them in this butterfly, I can be stronger. This is not to say that I don't have any other friends whose initials belong. There are plenty of people who, if I had enough room, would have their place in my butterfly. But today this one is dedicated to these four, because we're all in a group together. I love this group I'm in. I'm glad I was invited in. To the four who have their place in this butterfly, thank you. 


I'm sorry this post is so dismal. I'm hurting a lot and I'm not sure why. The next post will be better, I promise.