Those Moments

It's 4:47 AM as I start this post. Maybe it's not the best thing in the world to be writing at this hour. Hell, I shouldn't even be AWAKE. Insomnia is the bane of my existence, I'm sure I've mentioned that before. And I'm a fool when I haven't slept properly.


I started crying, and I thought I wouldn't be able to stop until I made myself sick. It's happened before. Funny, the first time I cried myself sick, it was because of the same person, thought it was many years ago. I keep telling myself I can handle hearing about it every damn day. I keep trying to convince myself that it doesn't hurt, that the weight on my heart is disappearing quickly enough. It comes back to haunt me every so often, though, and then it seems I have to start all over again. 


I'm in a quandary here. I'm really, honestly, and truly happy that things are finally working out for him. It's a relief to know he's getting the joy he deserves. 


On the other side of that coin, I'm hurt, and for brief moments, rather furious, and I wish he would step on a zillion Legos in his bare feet.

NOW; 

I am not one to do anything, ANYTHING, to sabotage any friendship or relationship. 

LET ME MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR. 

The last thing I would ever do is destroy something like that...actually, it's not even on my list of things I would even CONSIDER. Most do not know that bit of information because, well, when's the last time I tried to screw a relationship up? NEVER, THAT'S WHEN. I give you all fair warning, to those who know; if someone says I'm doing something to cause trouble, I'M NOT. I know some of the friends. I know that they will point fingers at me. 

DON'T YOU POINT THOSE FINGERS AT ME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Yes, I am upset. Yes, I hurt. Yes, I think I've been slighted. But I am not a stupid, jealous bitch. I am genuinely happy for him. 


I've come to a conclusion, though, one that I really don't like to have to admit to. I think it's time for me to go. I'll show you why. 

There was a neighbor of mine in college, a lovely girl. I'll call her Amber. Amber was dating a man who I will call Tim. Amber and Tim were happy together, a wonderful pair, they were. Amber and Tim had a friend, and I'll call her Carrie. Carrie was friends with both Amber and Tim. Carrie would hang out with Tim a lot, as if they were best friends. Tim spent a lot of time caring for her when she needed him, and helping her when she asked. One day, Amber was in her apartment, upset and crying. Tim was not there to be with her. He was with Carrie, consoling and comforting her. Someone, in that instant, said to him, "What the heck are you doing? You should be with your girlfriend, she's hysterical and needs you!" Eventually, and in the not-too-distant future, Amber and Tim had broken up. 


That's not all the story, but here's the key part; that friend of theirs heavily aided in the destruction of their relationship. Do I want to be that friend? HELL NO. I admit, I relied (and probably still rely) heavily on our friendship for someone to vent to, to ask for advice, to tell when things are just going WRONG. I cannot do that anymore, and it's my choice not to do that. It's not just because it's wrong. It's because it's unfair. I will not be one to suck happiness out of his days. But I think the only way to ensure that it doesn't happen is for me to go away. For me to leave him alone. For me to slowly sever ties with him. And that SUCKS. If I could think of another way, a way that would ensure I could still have my friend around, I do believe I would utilize it. But this time, I think the Doctor was wrong; I don't think there's a choice here.


I want to keep my bad vibes as far away as possible. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with them now. And maybe if I do, maybe it will stop hurting so much at 4:47 in the morning.

Oracle out.

Wars and Lords

Time is now. I've seen it. Significant, very significant change is happening even as I type this. I feel like one of those survivors in the movies or video games, who is scribbling out a warning or a message to whomever should happen across it. Something huge is about to happen to me. I saw it!

...but I don't know what it is. 

I have no idea what I saw, nor the exact moment it is going to occur. But I do know that this...event, this happening, it is incredible. At its peak, it is mind-blowing. 

Whovians...it is almost as epic as the TARDIS itself...almost....

Even if I did know exactly what I saw, I could not tell. It's probably against the "rules" to even see my own future. But then again, I didn't just see mine. Although I am unsure of the face, I saw a future that collided with others'. I suppose that's bound to happen no matter what, because we all come in contact with other beings. But this was more than contact, although what it was, I'm unsure of as well. 

...Funny though, it all feels so clear in my head. When I try to voice it, it murks up and my vision fades. And when I shut up again, it comes right back. I do have a problem voicing certain things when I try to use words...maybe I should speak my true language and speak the colours?

I think I should.

...

...

...

I saw indigo as if captured inside a giant crystal. Not the crystal itself, mind you, but that shade of blue so vibrant. If you held it to the light, it would radiate. I saw a glowing cream, sharp and nearly blinding, but not unpleasant. I saw the eerie, transparent green that chases the shadows under the sea, and another green that was the grass and the leaves in the spring. I saw the cherry blossom pinks and the warm sky blues. Then there was a gold that was not gold. It was not metallic, and it was not as dusty as gold can appear. It was vibrantly yellow, not unlike the sun itself, and yet I knew it was gold. I saw royal purple, and it was as soft as a velvet cloak, not in texture but in colour. 

And not only did I see them, I HEARD them. And I FELT them. It was as if I WAS them. I half expect to see swirls of misty colours trail from my twirling fingertips. 

With all this, I know that something amazing is on the horizon. And all the terrible things that have happened in the past few days, all the heartbreak and all the tears, all the anger and all the hopelessness, all the sleepless nights and troubled thoughts, they will be forgotten.

Even the wind howls tonight, and it sounds like blue ink.

Oracle out.

Lay Them Before Me

I am sorry;

• For being petty throughout this whole new change.
• For my silences when you may need me to speak.
• For not being as happy for you as I should.
• For lying to you.
• For avoiding conversations.
• For keeping my feelings bottled up and not telling you when you ask me to.
• For the tears I won't be able to control.
• If I make you feel as if I've put any blame on you.
• If  you need me and I'm not there. 
• If I make you uncomfortable.
• If I ever take your happy moments and bring them down.

I am so sorry, for these things that I may have done, for these things I may be doing, and for these things I may do. 

I will never forgive myself if I bring you down again.

Oracle out.

Sharpie Editing

Well, I now have some interesting news.


Felix fixed my laptop...sort of. Now the blue screen of death is being replaced by the blue screen of a Linux-like program. Which means I can perform basic internet functions. To be honest, it's difficult to navigate, but eh. It functions, and I am incredibly grateful.

This WOULD be me navigating on the damn thing...

Another interesting thing; the indecision headache is still getting to me. Big surprise, right? Yeah, not really. I'm going batshit about that. I wish I wasn't, but there's nothing that can be done. I force no decisions out of anyone. Still, I can tell this is going to be very difficult to not ask questions or demand answers. As of late I've been having extremely bad nightmares. Which  means my mind is really stressed out. Which means I need to calm it down soon. Hmmph. 


IN OTHER GOOD NEWS...


Since February 1st, 2012, I have officially lost 20 pounds. This is not NEARLY as much as I wanted to lose, but I am not complaining. NOT. COMPLAINING. 

I. HAS. A HAPPY.


Soon I shall have my bikini body! And when I do get it, there will be pictures. So. Many. Pictures. And maybe I'll be able to reward myself a little bit, as shameless as that is. It'll be something to check off the New Year's list...something I haven't exactly been keeping up with. More on that another day. 


Oracle out.

Head Desk

Warning; This post contains swearing. Possibly lots of it. 

Time is relative, just to let people know. And time is pissing me off. A lot. 


Ever played a chess game, where you have to sit and wait for an hour for someone to move their piece? And then you move, and then you have to sit ANOTHER hour waiting. Just so someone can make a calculated move. Just so a piece can be placed with tact. 


WELL FUCK TACT, AND FUCK CALCULATED MOVES, IF I HAVE TO SIT AROUND AND WAIT MUCH LONGER, I'M AFRAID I MIGHT LOSE MY GODDAMN MIND!

Me. Now.

Ahem. 

I don't like rushing things, because when things get rushed, they get muddled. I get that. I understand the need for some calculated moves. But the other end of that is, the person who has to sit and wait for the move has a tendency to get VERY VERY FRUSTRATED. And headachy. And desiring to beat the other person over the head with a blunt object. And very pissed when not getting straight answers. And if they are getting straight answers, furious because they don't make sense. That's how I feel right now. And I know there's nothing I can do about it. 

I'm still being patient, but man, patience is not something that comes easily. And also something I'd rather not have to test myself over and over to acquire. At least I have someplace to vent without actually demanding answers. (Note; I really AM just venting. If I wanted answers, I'd ask questions.)

Oracle out. 

Acting Your Age

I know that things have to change. It's a fact of life that things will never stay the same. Some things, though, I really regret making them change. 


True, I wanted things to be different, but the consequences of saying that are more than I'd like to admit. There's a frosty barrier where there was once warm camaraderie. I have to tiptoe around my words, and I feel like I can't even bring myself to talk. I am letting things go as they are, but I don't like just sitting around like this. I'm distressed, and I'm drinking a beer in hopes that I can erase that distress. 


I feel like nobody in the WORLD understands what is going on right now. I sure as hell have no idea what's going on in my OWN head. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum because I can't stand sitting still and letting things go. I want to ask questions, I want to understand, I want to know what's going on! I want to know what the next step is before it happens so I can plan a reaction. I need to be one step ahead, and I'm not. I'm in the weeds, or I'm in the right time and completely unaware. I'm not in control of the situation, and even though I'm used to not being in control of things, this is one time I really want things to not knock me off guard. My walls are up and I'm paranoid that any little thing is ready to sneak through and DESTROY me. 

I'm not looking for advice, really, and I'm DEFINITELY not looking for answers. I know that there's a reason things are happening the way they are. I've only gotten glimpses into the future, but luckily I've been able to see some pieces of mine. And things are fine from what I've seen. I don't know how distant or not-so-distant it is, but hell, it's good. I really just wrote this post to vent. If ever I got a response, it would be more to ask if it helped or if I felt better after, and not "Aww, I'm sorry, things are going to be okay, hang in there!". I'm not in the mood for that. I DO want someone to be concerned...just because maybe I'd feel like someone (in general) was capable of caring. I don't like feeling like nobody on earth cares, and that's how I feel right now. I feel very alone and distressed. But I know it will pass, because I've seen it pass, and all I have to do is ride out the waves.


Oracle out. 

Small Talk

I've never been great with conversation. My communication is at its best when written and not spoken.


As of late, I've been put in a position where I have to have a VERY important discussion, and I MUST do it face to face, and not in a page of writing. I have to have a conversation with my voice. This puts me in a very difficult position, for several reasons.


I don't know how to START a conversation. When I'm around people, I sit in silence. I wait for the other person to speak or do something to get me to have to speak. Awkward silences will EAT ME ALIVE.

The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah...

I also don't like seeing people's expressions, and I don't like mine being seen. Expressions add emotion to the picture. Sure, sometimes they're happy, excited, amused, all those good ones that make talking face to face so much better. I'm fine with those. I'm terrified of the annoyed, the angry, and the sad. They put me more on my guard. My reactions, I've been told, are very easy to read. I do not have a poker face necessary to get me through tough and important conversations. 

The biggest problem of all, though, is that I never fully speak my mind. I was once in a situation where I wanted to tell someone that a memory was really hurting me, that it still made me nervous. I was able to get a few words out before I fell silent. And when I wanted to continue, I felt so ashamed that I couldn't for quite some time. I also have this...inconvenient...tendency to forget what I was saying just seconds after I was speaking, especially if it's something f great importance. Someone once told me it's a defense mechanism, that it's actually the FIRST defense line. When I'm trying to speak and I suddenly become afraid to, I immediately "forget." At the same time, though, sometimes I DON'T, even if I say I do. I suppose denial is another defense? This happens more often when there's more than two in the conversation. When someone cuts in when I speak, I tend to "forget" what I said or deny I said anything.

I don't like feeling vulnerable, and face to face conversations make me feel that way. I haven't learned to meet people's eyes for longer than a moment. It makes talking difficult, because I know that eye contact is necessary. I would rather type out a long email stating exactly how I felt and what was on my mind than trying to fumble through stuttered words and amnesia. 

What has to be done, has to be done. I would rather not do it the way I have to, but I don't exactly have a choice, do I? The longer I avoid the talk, the more it's going to drive me bonkers.

Oracle out. 

Chasing Tail

Some people know me too well, and others don't know me at all. 


There is someone who knows that I find persistence to be very effective. This person knows that if pushed, I might eventually cave. It's a difficult thing. I know this person all too well. I have some fond and some not so fond memories with this person. This person knows my weak points, knows what buttons to push and how hard to push them. This person could bring me down very easily, and it's frightening.


This person also has brought me up, time and time again. This person has made me happy so many times. This person has comforted me when I needed it, stood by me when I needed someone by my side. This person has done good for me as well as hurt me. This person knows what makes me tick. This person knows how to make me smile. This person knows how to make me happy. 

I will never understand why this person chases me. I don't see what separates me from any other person on this planet. I can't figure it out. But, then again, I guess whatever's causing this person to do that, also causes me to pursue the one person that, for some reason, I keep chasing. Perhaps it's Karma telling me to stop? That would be humiliating. I've felt a lot of things were Karmic lessons, that I need to just avoid the ones I want to be around the most. Some people have told me that this isn't so, and what I'm doing is, well, okay. I doubt it sometimes. Every time I feel like I've gotten this little "lesson", I just want to run in the direction I WASN'T going. It doesn't do well to bounce from trying to hiding. 


But I think I digress. 


I'm not sure what to make of this person's behavior. I'm not sure what to make of my reaction. I don't even know what I want to do about it. I hear what I SHOULD be doing. I think I should be doing something. But I don't know. I just don't.


Oracle out.

Another Day

Well, you'd think that finally opening my mouth would give me some relief. It did not. At least I don't think it did. I'm still confused as ever. I'm not as nerve wracked as before, but I am confused. 

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT MY OPINION OF GENDERS AND THOUGHTS

It's probably because I don't speak Guy. Out of respect for the person I spoke to, I won't repost the conversation. But I'm a girl. I speak Girl. I don't speak the language of males, and I don't understand what they say. Even if this person is telling things to me straight, well...I'm not sure if I got it or not. This could also be due to fatigue and a little bit of crying time. Fair to say I am in no condition to translate. I could have it all wrong in my head, which is probably the case. My head is a jumbled mess of doubt and rejected glumness. And also confusion. More confusion. If the person I'm referring to is reading this, you don't have to explain yourself. It's not going to bother me if you do or don't, and you don't have an obligation to. If you told it to me straight, then I apologize for being a little slow in the head today. 

Right now I feel like bashing my head against a wall, because I don't want to show any more weakness and cry. I think, though, I'll just think the best of it and be happy. I can't afford to be morose anymore; it's ruining my life, I believe. Hell if it's going to be easy. 

Oracle out. 

Demonizing

I'm scared.


I'm really scared. I'm really REALLY scared. I hate being scared.


She's gone off the deep end again.


I don't know if/when I'll be back.


I'm not sure what to do. I'm terrified. I hate this.


So much for being able to hold my own.

A Bottle of Pinot Grigio

I drank a whole bottle of wine on New Year's Eve. The whole thing. THE WHOLE THING. Needless to say, I was drunk off my dupa and probably couldn't type anything intelligible. Not that I tried. No, I finished that bottle and felt WHEEEEEEE! when I finally stood up to go to bed. I was blissfully unaware of my normal aches, pains, and troubles. I went to bed immediately. I don't know how I managed to stumble down those stairs to my old bedroom, BUT I DID. 


And here I am; alive, well, and typing another post. A post about the future. A post about my dreams. A post that should have been written on January 1st (to keep tradition). But it's being written now.


I have dreams. I have my New Year's Resolutions (henceforth abbreviated to NYR's for the sake of typing). I have goals. I always think about the future, things I want to accomplish, things I want to happen in my life. This post, I'm going to explain some of them. 


This is going to be a hard post. In this post, I have to admit that I have things that need to change. I'm going to lay bare some of my dreams here. My dreams are special, and sometimes fragile. I'm going to get sentimental and express myself in ways that I haven't in previous posts. I'm going to have to admit that I'm not as strong as I like to pretend I am. I have to admit that I am human, and that's the hardest thing of all. It all sounds silly...no, see, I can't say things like that today. I can't put up even that little defense to deflect any potential blows. I have to be real. I'm going to be real.


Let me show you what's in my mind.

See this woman? Her name is Alex Guarnaschelli. She is a rather famous chef. I know her from "The Next Iron Chef" and "Chopped" on the Food Network. There's something about the way she can talk about food, the way she can discuss a dish in front of her, that inspires me. I have seen her cook as well, but NOT as often as I have seen her as a judge on "Chopped". 


Someday, I'd love to be just like her. I would love to be a chef. I would love to show my face on "Chopped", to be able to test myself with such tasks and challenges. It would be an amazing honor to have her judging my (currently lacking but always improving) culinary skills. I would love to know how to blend flavours and spices, to create dishes from the oddest of ingredients and have them come out fantastic. I would love to be as bold, as brave, and as intelligent as she is in the culinary world. 

The first thing you'll think is that I want to lose weight to be able to fit in this bikini on the right. That's not exactly the case. I have a bikini similar to this one, in the exact same colour. Yes, I said it, I have a bikini. You can tell from my picture up in the corner that I am NOT a skinny girl. It is very difficult for me to look good in ANY clothing, much less a bikini. But it fits me. And sometimes I feel that I look good in it.


I want to feel so beautiful all the time, that if I wore that bikini to the beach, I'd be just as attractive as a thinner woman in the same thing. Because as much as I try, I don't feel that way. I have little confidence in my body. And as much as I hear all the time "You're beautiful, you're sexy, you'll be attractive to someone," well, it isn't helping. I need to feel it in my own heart, or it won't do any good. (I mean, sure, there IS someone specific I want to be attractive to, but we'll get to that later).


Anyway, onward.

Some of you won't recognize this picture. This is my "family photo" in my second semester of college. (Yes, we were all making silly faces). Long story short, we were all great and fantastic friends all through that semester. (P.S., the man in the blue shirt? That's my adorable, gorgeous, goofy cute "husband" who I haven't spoken to in aeons. Probably for the best.) These guys, no matter what, could bring me out of a funky bad mood and make me remember how awesome it was to have friends and be a friend.


I'd like to feel like I could be worth the company of my friends again. Why? Because I feel like bad company. Because I feel like my friends don't want me around anymore. Ever since the breakup (we'll get to that too) I haven't been myself. Probably even before that, even DURING the times of these kinds of photos, I was not who I should have been. I'm afraid of my friends, afraid they judge me badly by my peculiarities, my shyness, and my tendency not to tell them when things go wrong. I know they think I'm worth their time and effort. I know this. But try making that stick. No matter how much I tell myself that, I can't bring myself to not fear them. I want them to know that they are my friends, but I can't tell them when things aren't as good as they could be, when I'm suffering, until it gets to my breaking point. That's the only time I'll speak out. I want to not be that person anymore. I want to feel like my friendships are genuine because I am a genuine friend. 

While we're on the subject of speaking and honesty, let's talk about love for a second. I am in love. I hate having to admit it. I hate, hate HATE having to admit it. But if I'm going to be honest with myself, if I'm going to get anywhere in life, I have to speak the truth. I am in love. I've been in love for some time now. 


I want to have the courage to tell him. I don't have the nerve to fess up to him, and it eats at me every single day. I'm sure if you know who I am, you know who it is, and you know that I am kicking myself in the ass with every keystroke. He doesn't feel the same way. I get this.  Can't say stuff like that, doesn't keep with the emotional part. I love him, and I love him a lot. There's so many things about him that make my breath catch and my cheeks colour and my smile radiate. When he's happy, I'm happy for him. When he's sad or hurting, I ache because I don't think he deserves to hurt. When he's frustrated, I want to be there for him in case he needs me specifically to turn to. But heaven knows, I cannot admit to his face that I feel that way about him. I want to be honest, and in being honest, I have to be able to tell him. Now all I need is courage.

See this one? This is the Ex. This is me and the Ex. This is me and the Ex on August 20th, 2011, the day before I turned 20. This is the man I once loved with all my being. This is the man who broke my heart into pieces in September, when he left me for the third and final time. This is the man who it still hurts to breathe when I remember him. I used to love him, but now it only aches when I try to think of why I did.


I want to be able to admit to myself that I'm angry at him, and actually stick to that. I have these brief moments of clarity, moments when I remember how mean he could be sometimes. I remember times when he could be so cold, and so ungentle with me. I may not be a delicate, fragile woman, but I can't handle being treated so roughly. He hurt me. Sometimes he made me cry. And he still makes me cry when I'm trying to forget him. He left me three times, and every time told me it was a mistake to be with me, that he should never have let me in his life. That it was time to go, and never come back. I want to remember that it's not okay for someone to do that to me, that he hurt me and that he can't have a place in my life anymore. I want to believe he no longer has a spot in my heart. He can't have one. I want to feel the final release, to feel that it's finally over and I can move on. Because I do love someone else, and I want to be in love with someone and feel happy, and I don't want to be trapped in tears over the Ex anymore. 

She looks powerful. She looks tough. She looks like she can kick ass. You know, I've always wanted to be one of those women who can look badass while doing a Tae Bo workout. I'd have the look in my eyes that said "I can do anything I want. I can kick your ass. I am strong, and I am powerful, and I am a QUEEN.


I don't want to come across as intimidating, but I want to be able to hold my own and feel damn good about it. I never again want to be the sick, weak antelope in the herd, the one that gets picked off immediately and is just impeding those around me. No, I want to be the leopard that can race and capture my prey, with glory in my stance, a predator's gleam in my eyes, and a graceful power in every step. My spirit is feline. I am a powerful beast by nature. I want to emulate that glorious creature that is inside me. I want to embody that strength and power. I want to see in myself and be seen with the ability to stand on my own feet and reach the tops of the tallest trees, and be smugly satisfied when I do.

I play guitar. Not well, but I play guitar. This photo was taken when my best friend Nick came over and we had...well, sort of a guitar day. He's incredible with his guitars. Admittedly, he's had  YEARS of practice, whereas I've only had one full year of basic learning. He plays WELL. My playing is still iffy.


I will be able to play and sing as well as he can. I know he can't quite master the singing/playing combo. I have, sort of. I CAN sing to "Collide" (Howie Day) and "Vindicated" (Dashboard Confessional), and I can play them at the same time. He cannot yet. But he plays so much better than I do. My goal is to be able to play a song with him and have it actually WORK. I will be at a skill level that coincides with his. That's it, plain and simple.




I think I want another bottle of wine now. Because just writing this made me cry so damn much, I have this urge to drown my sorrows in alcohol. Maybe I'm becoming an alcoholic? I hope not. Since I have no wine, I think I'll just get some healthy sleep.


Oracle out.