Acting Your Age

I know that things have to change. It's a fact of life that things will never stay the same. Some things, though, I really regret making them change. 


True, I wanted things to be different, but the consequences of saying that are more than I'd like to admit. There's a frosty barrier where there was once warm camaraderie. I have to tiptoe around my words, and I feel like I can't even bring myself to talk. I am letting things go as they are, but I don't like just sitting around like this. I'm distressed, and I'm drinking a beer in hopes that I can erase that distress. 


I feel like nobody in the WORLD understands what is going on right now. I sure as hell have no idea what's going on in my OWN head. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum because I can't stand sitting still and letting things go. I want to ask questions, I want to understand, I want to know what's going on! I want to know what the next step is before it happens so I can plan a reaction. I need to be one step ahead, and I'm not. I'm in the weeds, or I'm in the right time and completely unaware. I'm not in control of the situation, and even though I'm used to not being in control of things, this is one time I really want things to not knock me off guard. My walls are up and I'm paranoid that any little thing is ready to sneak through and DESTROY me. 

I'm not looking for advice, really, and I'm DEFINITELY not looking for answers. I know that there's a reason things are happening the way they are. I've only gotten glimpses into the future, but luckily I've been able to see some pieces of mine. And things are fine from what I've seen. I don't know how distant or not-so-distant it is, but hell, it's good. I really just wrote this post to vent. If ever I got a response, it would be more to ask if it helped or if I felt better after, and not "Aww, I'm sorry, things are going to be okay, hang in there!". I'm not in the mood for that. I DO want someone to be concerned...just because maybe I'd feel like someone (in general) was capable of caring. I don't like feeling like nobody on earth cares, and that's how I feel right now. I feel very alone and distressed. But I know it will pass, because I've seen it pass, and all I have to do is ride out the waves.


Oracle out.