Small Talk

I've never been great with conversation. My communication is at its best when written and not spoken.


As of late, I've been put in a position where I have to have a VERY important discussion, and I MUST do it face to face, and not in a page of writing. I have to have a conversation with my voice. This puts me in a very difficult position, for several reasons.


I don't know how to START a conversation. When I'm around people, I sit in silence. I wait for the other person to speak or do something to get me to have to speak. Awkward silences will EAT ME ALIVE.

The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah...

I also don't like seeing people's expressions, and I don't like mine being seen. Expressions add emotion to the picture. Sure, sometimes they're happy, excited, amused, all those good ones that make talking face to face so much better. I'm fine with those. I'm terrified of the annoyed, the angry, and the sad. They put me more on my guard. My reactions, I've been told, are very easy to read. I do not have a poker face necessary to get me through tough and important conversations. 

The biggest problem of all, though, is that I never fully speak my mind. I was once in a situation where I wanted to tell someone that a memory was really hurting me, that it still made me nervous. I was able to get a few words out before I fell silent. And when I wanted to continue, I felt so ashamed that I couldn't for quite some time. I also have this...inconvenient...tendency to forget what I was saying just seconds after I was speaking, especially if it's something f great importance. Someone once told me it's a defense mechanism, that it's actually the FIRST defense line. When I'm trying to speak and I suddenly become afraid to, I immediately "forget." At the same time, though, sometimes I DON'T, even if I say I do. I suppose denial is another defense? This happens more often when there's more than two in the conversation. When someone cuts in when I speak, I tend to "forget" what I said or deny I said anything.

I don't like feeling vulnerable, and face to face conversations make me feel that way. I haven't learned to meet people's eyes for longer than a moment. It makes talking difficult, because I know that eye contact is necessary. I would rather type out a long email stating exactly how I felt and what was on my mind than trying to fumble through stuttered words and amnesia. 

What has to be done, has to be done. I would rather not do it the way I have to, but I don't exactly have a choice, do I? The longer I avoid the talk, the more it's going to drive me bonkers.

Oracle out.