Sharpie Editing

Well, I now have some interesting news.


Felix fixed my laptop...sort of. Now the blue screen of death is being replaced by the blue screen of a Linux-like program. Which means I can perform basic internet functions. To be honest, it's difficult to navigate, but eh. It functions, and I am incredibly grateful.

This WOULD be me navigating on the damn thing...

Another interesting thing; the indecision headache is still getting to me. Big surprise, right? Yeah, not really. I'm going batshit about that. I wish I wasn't, but there's nothing that can be done. I force no decisions out of anyone. Still, I can tell this is going to be very difficult to not ask questions or demand answers. As of late I've been having extremely bad nightmares. Which  means my mind is really stressed out. Which means I need to calm it down soon. Hmmph. 


IN OTHER GOOD NEWS...


Since February 1st, 2012, I have officially lost 20 pounds. This is not NEARLY as much as I wanted to lose, but I am not complaining. NOT. COMPLAINING. 

I. HAS. A HAPPY.


Soon I shall have my bikini body! And when I do get it, there will be pictures. So. Many. Pictures. And maybe I'll be able to reward myself a little bit, as shameless as that is. It'll be something to check off the New Year's list...something I haven't exactly been keeping up with. More on that another day. 


Oracle out.

Head Desk

Warning; This post contains swearing. Possibly lots of it. 

Time is relative, just to let people know. And time is pissing me off. A lot. 


Ever played a chess game, where you have to sit and wait for an hour for someone to move their piece? And then you move, and then you have to sit ANOTHER hour waiting. Just so someone can make a calculated move. Just so a piece can be placed with tact. 


WELL FUCK TACT, AND FUCK CALCULATED MOVES, IF I HAVE TO SIT AROUND AND WAIT MUCH LONGER, I'M AFRAID I MIGHT LOSE MY GODDAMN MIND!

Me. Now.

Ahem. 

I don't like rushing things, because when things get rushed, they get muddled. I get that. I understand the need for some calculated moves. But the other end of that is, the person who has to sit and wait for the move has a tendency to get VERY VERY FRUSTRATED. And headachy. And desiring to beat the other person over the head with a blunt object. And very pissed when not getting straight answers. And if they are getting straight answers, furious because they don't make sense. That's how I feel right now. And I know there's nothing I can do about it. 

I'm still being patient, but man, patience is not something that comes easily. And also something I'd rather not have to test myself over and over to acquire. At least I have someplace to vent without actually demanding answers. (Note; I really AM just venting. If I wanted answers, I'd ask questions.)

Oracle out. 

Acting Your Age

I know that things have to change. It's a fact of life that things will never stay the same. Some things, though, I really regret making them change. 


True, I wanted things to be different, but the consequences of saying that are more than I'd like to admit. There's a frosty barrier where there was once warm camaraderie. I have to tiptoe around my words, and I feel like I can't even bring myself to talk. I am letting things go as they are, but I don't like just sitting around like this. I'm distressed, and I'm drinking a beer in hopes that I can erase that distress. 


I feel like nobody in the WORLD understands what is going on right now. I sure as hell have no idea what's going on in my OWN head. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum because I can't stand sitting still and letting things go. I want to ask questions, I want to understand, I want to know what's going on! I want to know what the next step is before it happens so I can plan a reaction. I need to be one step ahead, and I'm not. I'm in the weeds, or I'm in the right time and completely unaware. I'm not in control of the situation, and even though I'm used to not being in control of things, this is one time I really want things to not knock me off guard. My walls are up and I'm paranoid that any little thing is ready to sneak through and DESTROY me. 

I'm not looking for advice, really, and I'm DEFINITELY not looking for answers. I know that there's a reason things are happening the way they are. I've only gotten glimpses into the future, but luckily I've been able to see some pieces of mine. And things are fine from what I've seen. I don't know how distant or not-so-distant it is, but hell, it's good. I really just wrote this post to vent. If ever I got a response, it would be more to ask if it helped or if I felt better after, and not "Aww, I'm sorry, things are going to be okay, hang in there!". I'm not in the mood for that. I DO want someone to be concerned...just because maybe I'd feel like someone (in general) was capable of caring. I don't like feeling like nobody on earth cares, and that's how I feel right now. I feel very alone and distressed. But I know it will pass, because I've seen it pass, and all I have to do is ride out the waves.


Oracle out. 

Small Talk

I've never been great with conversation. My communication is at its best when written and not spoken.


As of late, I've been put in a position where I have to have a VERY important discussion, and I MUST do it face to face, and not in a page of writing. I have to have a conversation with my voice. This puts me in a very difficult position, for several reasons.


I don't know how to START a conversation. When I'm around people, I sit in silence. I wait for the other person to speak or do something to get me to have to speak. Awkward silences will EAT ME ALIVE.

The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah...

I also don't like seeing people's expressions, and I don't like mine being seen. Expressions add emotion to the picture. Sure, sometimes they're happy, excited, amused, all those good ones that make talking face to face so much better. I'm fine with those. I'm terrified of the annoyed, the angry, and the sad. They put me more on my guard. My reactions, I've been told, are very easy to read. I do not have a poker face necessary to get me through tough and important conversations. 

The biggest problem of all, though, is that I never fully speak my mind. I was once in a situation where I wanted to tell someone that a memory was really hurting me, that it still made me nervous. I was able to get a few words out before I fell silent. And when I wanted to continue, I felt so ashamed that I couldn't for quite some time. I also have this...inconvenient...tendency to forget what I was saying just seconds after I was speaking, especially if it's something f great importance. Someone once told me it's a defense mechanism, that it's actually the FIRST defense line. When I'm trying to speak and I suddenly become afraid to, I immediately "forget." At the same time, though, sometimes I DON'T, even if I say I do. I suppose denial is another defense? This happens more often when there's more than two in the conversation. When someone cuts in when I speak, I tend to "forget" what I said or deny I said anything.

I don't like feeling vulnerable, and face to face conversations make me feel that way. I haven't learned to meet people's eyes for longer than a moment. It makes talking difficult, because I know that eye contact is necessary. I would rather type out a long email stating exactly how I felt and what was on my mind than trying to fumble through stuttered words and amnesia. 

What has to be done, has to be done. I would rather not do it the way I have to, but I don't exactly have a choice, do I? The longer I avoid the talk, the more it's going to drive me bonkers.

Oracle out. 

Chasing Tail

Some people know me too well, and others don't know me at all. 


There is someone who knows that I find persistence to be very effective. This person knows that if pushed, I might eventually cave. It's a difficult thing. I know this person all too well. I have some fond and some not so fond memories with this person. This person knows my weak points, knows what buttons to push and how hard to push them. This person could bring me down very easily, and it's frightening.


This person also has brought me up, time and time again. This person has made me happy so many times. This person has comforted me when I needed it, stood by me when I needed someone by my side. This person has done good for me as well as hurt me. This person knows what makes me tick. This person knows how to make me smile. This person knows how to make me happy. 

I will never understand why this person chases me. I don't see what separates me from any other person on this planet. I can't figure it out. But, then again, I guess whatever's causing this person to do that, also causes me to pursue the one person that, for some reason, I keep chasing. Perhaps it's Karma telling me to stop? That would be humiliating. I've felt a lot of things were Karmic lessons, that I need to just avoid the ones I want to be around the most. Some people have told me that this isn't so, and what I'm doing is, well, okay. I doubt it sometimes. Every time I feel like I've gotten this little "lesson", I just want to run in the direction I WASN'T going. It doesn't do well to bounce from trying to hiding. 


But I think I digress. 


I'm not sure what to make of this person's behavior. I'm not sure what to make of my reaction. I don't even know what I want to do about it. I hear what I SHOULD be doing. I think I should be doing something. But I don't know. I just don't.


Oracle out.

Another Day

Well, you'd think that finally opening my mouth would give me some relief. It did not. At least I don't think it did. I'm still confused as ever. I'm not as nerve wracked as before, but I am confused. 

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT MY OPINION OF GENDERS AND THOUGHTS

It's probably because I don't speak Guy. Out of respect for the person I spoke to, I won't repost the conversation. But I'm a girl. I speak Girl. I don't speak the language of males, and I don't understand what they say. Even if this person is telling things to me straight, well...I'm not sure if I got it or not. This could also be due to fatigue and a little bit of crying time. Fair to say I am in no condition to translate. I could have it all wrong in my head, which is probably the case. My head is a jumbled mess of doubt and rejected glumness. And also confusion. More confusion. If the person I'm referring to is reading this, you don't have to explain yourself. It's not going to bother me if you do or don't, and you don't have an obligation to. If you told it to me straight, then I apologize for being a little slow in the head today. 

Right now I feel like bashing my head against a wall, because I don't want to show any more weakness and cry. I think, though, I'll just think the best of it and be happy. I can't afford to be morose anymore; it's ruining my life, I believe. Hell if it's going to be easy. 

Oracle out.