It's 4:47 AM as I start this post. Maybe it's not the best thing in the world to be writing at this hour. Hell, I shouldn't even be AWAKE. Insomnia is the bane of my existence, I'm sure I've mentioned that before. And I'm a fool when I haven't slept properly.
I started crying, and I thought I wouldn't be able to stop until I made myself sick. It's happened before. Funny, the first time I cried myself sick, it was because of the same person, thought it was many years ago. I keep telling myself I can handle hearing about it every damn day. I keep trying to convince myself that it doesn't hurt, that the weight on my heart is disappearing quickly enough. It comes back to haunt me every so often, though, and then it seems I have to start all over again.
I'm in a quandary here. I'm really, honestly, and truly happy that things are finally working out for him. It's a relief to know he's getting the joy he deserves.
On the other side of that coin, I'm hurt, and for brief moments, rather furious, and I wish he would step on a zillion Legos in his bare feet.
NOW;
I am not one to do anything, ANYTHING, to sabotage any friendship or relationship.
LET ME MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR.
The last thing I would ever do is destroy something like that...actually, it's not even on my list of things I would even CONSIDER. Most do not know that bit of information because, well, when's the last time I tried to screw a relationship up? NEVER, THAT'S WHEN. I give you all fair warning, to those who know; if someone says I'm doing something to cause trouble, I'M NOT. I know some of the friends. I know that they will point fingers at me.
DON'T YOU POINT THOSE FINGERS AT ME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Yes, I am upset. Yes, I hurt. Yes, I think I've been slighted. But I am not a stupid, jealous bitch. I am genuinely happy for him.
I've come to a conclusion, though, one that I really don't like to have to admit to. I think it's time for me to go. I'll show you why.
There was a neighbor of mine in college, a lovely girl. I'll call her Amber. Amber was dating a man who I will call Tim. Amber and Tim were happy together, a wonderful pair, they were. Amber and Tim had a friend, and I'll call her Carrie. Carrie was friends with both Amber and Tim. Carrie would hang out with Tim a lot, as if they were best friends. Tim spent a lot of time caring for her when she needed him, and helping her when she asked. One day, Amber was in her apartment, upset and crying. Tim was not there to be with her. He was with Carrie, consoling and comforting her. Someone, in that instant, said to him, "What the heck are you doing? You should be with your girlfriend, she's hysterical and needs you!" Eventually, and in the not-too-distant future, Amber and Tim had broken up.
That's not all the story, but here's the key part; that friend of theirs heavily aided in the destruction of their relationship. Do I want to be that friend? HELL NO. I admit, I relied (and probably still rely) heavily on our friendship for someone to vent to, to ask for advice, to tell when things are just going WRONG. I cannot do that anymore, and it's my choice not to do that. It's not just because it's wrong. It's because it's unfair. I will not be one to suck happiness out of his days. But I think the only way to ensure that it doesn't happen is for me to go away. For me to leave him alone. For me to slowly sever ties with him. And that SUCKS. If I could think of another way, a way that would ensure I could still have my friend around, I do believe I would utilize it. But this time, I think the Doctor was wrong; I don't think there's a choice here.
I want to keep my bad vibes as far away as possible. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with them now. And maybe if I do, maybe it will stop hurting so much at 4:47 in the morning.
Oracle out.
